I’d Think To That: Ted Cruz’s New York

Ted Juze I'd Think To That

The Internet is filled with think pieces from the left and think pieces from the right. Every week, I’ll be offering my unique perspective on the issues of our time. Spoiler alert: I’m correct.

You’ll remember that last month, Ted Cruz, ole’ Teddy Bear himself, came under fire for using the term “New York values.” Now the fire he’s under has returned because he referred to “chutzpah” as a “New York” word, implying that “New York” is code for Jewish and Ted Cruz’s New York values remark could be anti-Semitic.

Well, I’m here to tell you that’s, to use a “New York” word, michigas! Ted Cruz isn’t anti-Semitic, he just understands that New York does not reflect America. New York is a city that’s obsessed with vanity and money. Those aren’t American values.

It’s a place that only loves abortion, gay marriage, and having two separate sets of utensils for their meat and dairy. That’s not what they care about in the heartland.

In New York, people ignore their families and spend six days a week at their media jobs.

They don’t love Jesus like real Americans.

You know that you can always spot a New Yorker. They’re rude and bossy and bearded and never pay any attention to who they bump into. They have mean eyes, hooked noses, and shriveled tiny hearts.

A New Yorker starts their day by asking “how much money can I steal today,” before they put on their little New York hats that they keep under their bigger, black New York hats and get on the subway. They don’t eat pancakes, like regular Americans. Only bagels are good enough for these New Yorkers.

Real Americans like to wear their hair in either mullets or a tight army cut. But these New Yorkers, you know the type, they only like curly hair.

You really can’t blame Ted Cruz for trying to call New Yorkers out. Since the beginning of civilization, New Yorkers have been controlling everything behind the scenes to enrich themselves and their allies. New Yorkers were behind nearly every disaster in human history, from the Titanic, to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, to the Hindenburg. Finally, Ted Cruz has come along to oppose these New Yorkers with their taxis and their protocols and their stupid Times Square.

He will be the one to rid us of these vile New Yorkers once and for all.