I’d Think To That: How To Be A True Patriot

Oregon militia I'd Think

The Internet is filled with think pieces from the left and think pieces from the right. Every week, I’ll be offering my unique perspective on the issues of our time. Spoiler alert: I’m correct.

America was abuzz this weekend with the story of a group of patriots who courageously liberated a wildlife refuge in Oregon from the federal government. Some LIEberals will try and condemn these militiamen as violent extremists, but personally, I can think of nothing more patriotic than declaring war on your own democratically elected government. Here are some other things only true lovers of America do:

  • Celebrate the Confederacy, the original group that loved America so much, they tried to destroy it
  • Visit our beautiful natural parks and claim them as your own by force
  • Pray for America to fail if you don’t like who the President is
  • Reach out to the tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free and then tell them to go back to where they came from
  • Oppose any and all government spending, except that which benefits you directly
  • Oh, and except for military spending. Demand ever-increasing military spending, and then when you get it, use it as evidence that the government can’t be trusted and arm yourself accordingly
  • Buy more guns. No, more. More. Moooooore. Almost there…. JUST KIDDING, buy more
  • Oppose all government regulation and celebrate your right to food laced with trace amounts of lead and iridium
  • Comment angrily on every article you come across
  • Try and get out of paying whatever taxes you can
  • Found your own island nation where no one has to pay any taxes
  • Carry a portable fryer around in your backpack and fry everything before you eat it
  • Wear only American flag print clothing, even your underwear, and use only American flag themed objects, but get mad at anyone who doesn’t respect the flag enough
  • Celebrate the Confederate flag, the most American of flags, even more than you celebrate the American flag
  • Only listen to terrible country music. This isn’t to say that good country music doesn’t exist, but to say that America Lovers only listen to terrible country music
  • Always talk about how much better America was when you could own people
  • Make videos of yourself taunting police officers while you open-carry

And above all, remember that loving America is about doing whatever you want and threatening anyone who is different from you or who might have different opinions. Because when it comes right down to it, you’re an American, so what could be more patriotic than acting as selfishly as possible?

(Image: Reuters/Jim Urquhart)