I’d Think To That: Battling ISIS Online

Apple ISIS I'd Think To That

The Internet is filled with think pieces from the left and think pieces from the right. Every week, I’ll be offering my unique perspective on the issues of our time. Spoiler alert: I’m correct.

We have now entered a new step in the war against ISIS. They’re bringing in the big guns now. Yep, Apple CEO Tim Cook! The only reason ISIS hasn’t been defeated already is because we haven’t been thinking differently. But to be quite frank, I don’t think merely bringing Apple in is enough. We need to unite the whole tech world against them!

Here is my multi-step plan:

  1. Every time you see an ISIS member come up on Tinder, swipe left.
  2. Start anti-ISIS hastags, like #ISISsoStupid and #WhyIDon’tDateISIS.
  3. Snapchat needs to introduce a new filter that causes a speech bubble to appear every time you open your mouth. The words inside that speech bubble should read “ISIS is stupid.”
  4. Start a bunch of anti-ISIS WordPress sites.
  5. Don’t give anymore traffic to subreddits like r/ISISiskindofOK.
  6. Unsubscribe from ISIS’s Youtube channel.
  7. If you’ve been letting ISIS use your Netflix, HBOgo, or Seeso password, change it and don’t let them know what the new one is, no matter how many times they ask.
  8. Replace all of their Instacart orders with poison.
  9. If you’re an Uber driver, accept rides from ISIS members and say you’ll be there in 3 minutes but never actually pick them up.
  10. Add ISIS members to useless Facebook groups and continually post in them, so every time they look at their phones, they’ll see that they have eleven notifications and get excited, but it’ll be from the group they don’t remember joining.
  11. Only Instagram food and dogs that you don’t think ISIS would like.
  12. Make a Vine of Obama giving ISIS the finger.
  13. Periscope yourself watching TV, drinking at a bar, or pretty much anything that isn’t joining ISIS.
  14. Forward all of your spam e-mails to an ISIS member, just to mess with them.
  15. Post a picture of some sneakers on Facebook and tag as many ISIS members as you can in it. I’m not sure why people do this, but I know that it always annoys me when it happens, so there you go
  16. If you know that an ISIS member is using the Internet in the same building as you, pick up the phone so they get disconnected. 

Follow that advice and ISIS should be handled in no time!

Photo Credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images