I’d! Think! To! That!: Remembering! Jeb!

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The Internet is filled with think pieces from the left and think pieces from the right. Every week, I’ll be offering my unique perspective on the issues of our time. Spoiler alert: I’m correct.

Just as even the most sturdy of beach-side cliffs will eventually collapse into the repeated assault of the waves, so did Jeb Bush recently suspend his campaign. At this moment, I can think of nothing more appropriate than to go back and remember the highlights of this soon-to-be legendary campaign.

  • The Exclamation Point: Despite some strategists’ advice to the contrary, Jeb Bush accepts “!” onto his campaign team, due to a favor the Bush family owed “!”‘s father, “$”
  • Trump TPs Bush’s Campaign Headquarters: Shortly after Trump announced his campaign, he threw toilet paper all over Bush’s campaign headquarters in Tallahassee. Bush had to come out and start cleaning it off and the moment he did, there was a thunder clap and it started raining.
  • Jeb Bush Trips Over His Own Dick: While at a campaign event in New Hampshire, Jeb Bush forgot to zip up his fly properly and accidentally tripped over his own dick as he was walking up to the podium.
  • Jeb Bush and Ben Carson Both Touch The Same Magic Rock As It Was being Struck By Lighting: At one point during the campaign, Jeb and Carson switched bodies for twenty-four hours. They each learned valuable lessons about what it was like to be the other one, but no one else noticed.
  • Trump Slashes the Tires On Jeb’s Campaign Bus: Jeb’s campaign in South Carolina took a major hit after he walked out of an event to find Trump had slashed his tires and was just finishing graffiti-ing “Trump Rules” on the side of Jeb’s bus. Trump than shouted “Trump Rules” before being picked up by a helicopter and flown away.
  • Bush Wins “Biggest Weenie” Contest: A jury of Jeb’s peers selected him “biggest weenie” just the other week.
  • Bush Is the Front-Runner: Many people have forgotten it, but for a brief moment at the beginning of the campaign, Jeb Bush was the front-runner for the GOP nomination. He originally managed to raise a lot of money due to billionaires flipping a coin. Every time it came up tails, they would donate money to Jeb’s campaign. Every time it came up heads, they would toss the money in a furnace.
  • Bush Suspends His Campaign: In a gesture that managed to unite both Democrats and Republicans, Jeb Bush suspends his campaign.