The Internet is filled with think pieces from the left and think pieces from the right. Every week, I’ll be offering my unique perspective on the issues of our time. Spoiler alert: I’m correct.
If there’s one thing that’s clear, it’s that the Republican Party has to do whatever it can to stop Trump. GOP strategists have spent the last few weeks meeting behind doors, both closed and open, coming up with every tortured and elaborate strategy they could, from stealing the nomination with a brokered convention to running a more “establishment” Republican as a third party candidate.
Well, start writing out your pundit checks to the care of “Andrew Tavin” because I have a list of ideas for the GOP to stop Trump more elaborate and tortured than anything that’s been proposed so far:
- Build a new convention center that looks exactly like the convention center where the nomination will be given out, and hire a bunch of extras so Trump doesn’t realize he’s actually at a replica convention while Rubio is given the real nomination
- Paint the nomination onto the side of a cliff, and then when Donald Trump sees it, he’ll get all excited and smash into the cliff-side
- Just get everyone in America to move to a different country, and then Donald Trump will have no one to vote for him. Without enough electoral votes, Congress gets to choose the president and they can go with Mitt Romney
- Tell Donald Trump that if he really wanted power, he would run for King of the World. When he says that position doesn’t exist, tell him to check with Wikipedia, where you’ve already made a “King of the World” page. He will abandon the election and run for King of the World.
- Build an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine that starts with a balloon which rises to pull one end of a lever which causes a marble to roll down a slope which hits a gerbil which drops the cheese it was chewing which drops on a button that starts a tape player which plays a recording of Mitt Romney’s anti-Trump speech which will surely work this time
- Give Donald Trump a new reality show where he can only win by choosing not to run for president
- Convene a meeting of all major party officials and change the primary rules so the person who gets the least votes becomes the nominee and start funneling money into Jim Gilmore. He did last longer than most of the other candidates, after all. He almost beat Jeb!!