I’d Think To That: Trump or Hitler?


The Internet is filled with think pieces from the left and think pieces from the right. Every week, I’ll be offering my unique perspective on the issues of our time. Spoiler alert: I’m correct.

Hello! Long time no see. I was out on the campaign trail, tasting the various corns of Iowa and granites of New Hampshire. Now, Trump has held his lead, but after a series of discriminatory proposals about Muslims, people have wondered if it’s time to start comparing him to Hitler.

Well, I’m here to say that comparison is quite unfounded. After all, there are tons of differences between Trump and Hitler. For example, Trump hates Muslims, but Hitler hated Jews. Jews traditionally pray three times a day while Muslims pray five times a day. Do you really think three equals five? Now who’s being Orwellian?!

Also, Trump was the host of a reality show called The Apprentice, where he got to fire people whenever he wanted. It lasted fourteen seasons. Hitler was the host of a reality show called Der Auszubildende where he got to fire people whenever he wanted, but it only lasted for twelve seasons.

Both have ridiculous hair, but Trump’s goofy mustache is invisible to anyone who is a “total loser.”

Trump has named many towers after himself, while there has never been a Hitler Tower or Hitler golf course. Or maybe there was, but at least there doesn’t seem to be one anymore.

Hitler managed to write his book without a ghostwriter, while Trump did not, and Hitler’s book is sometimes taught as part of college courses.

Hitler was rejected from art school, while Trump just forgot to send in his application.

Both have been known for giving speeches to enormous crowds of people, but only half of Trump’s speeches have been in German, whereas all but one of Hitler’s was. He once, of course, spoke in Elvish to impress the Nazi Youth Tolkien Club.

Donald Trump lets children at rallies ride in his helicopter while Hitler was notoriously greedy with his helicopter, never letting anyone else other than the pilot even get inside. It’s where the term “helicopter Nazi” comes from.

Donald Trump has many, many Twitter followers while Hitler was born and died before the time of Twitter. That being said, if he did have Twitter, he would have had far less followers and probably would get muted by anyone who followed him back after being guilted into it.

As you can see, they’re vastly different. I hope I’ve given you something to think about.